You can go your own way...

I've been away for a while. A wee blog break. But really I also needed a break from life. I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough couple of weeks. My mood has dipped to an all time low. I forget that it is often the end of Winter that hits me worse. But it always seems to REALLY get to me. It feels like I'm a little out of control of myself.

{This photo, I'm told, is supposed to look like this, thought it fit in with my 'out of control' feeling}

To sum up the last few weeks. I haven't been sleeping. I hate everything and everyone. Socialising is like sticking needles in my eyes. And going to work is my worst nightmare. I've said I'm an introvert before, but this is like super introvert behaviour. Basically, we should be allowed to hibernate!!

I absolutely HATE feeling this way. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it makes me act. I just hate being in my body when it hits. I'd like to to pull out that part of my brain soak it for a few weeks then return it nice and fresh.

I think the part I hate most is the lack of energy. I wanted to prepare so many posts and catch up on Spring cleaning rituals. But I haven't done anything so far. Which makes me sad. Motivation is hard work. I put all my motivation into getting up for work everyday. That's how bad it feels.

I find it hard to go outside, especially on my own, and it has been particularly difficult for me recently. Even with my OH around.

I know the simple solution would be to go see a Doctor. However I refuse to unless it feels as if I'm dipping into another deep depression. I don't want to walk around not feeling things fully. However bad I feel, I would rather feel that way than take a pill that would make me 'happy'. I'd rather seek out my own happiness. {I'm not condemning anyone who seeks this kind of help, it's just not for me}

Of course I'm lucky I have a great support system. Basically people who kick me up the bum, but also someone to tell when I'm not feeling so great. As I have said so many times. TELL SOMEONE.

In a way these bad days help me appreciate when I feel good. Even if it makes everyone around me suffer a little too, which I try to minimise but sometimes it's hard not to implode your inner thoughts all over the nearest stander by.

I can feel the black cloud lifting. For the first time today I noticed that it was light when I was walking home. When other times  I just wanted to get home as quick as possible. I woke up feeling like I wanted to go to work. I got stuff done. My OH took me food shopping, which I secretly love doing. And we had a yummy dinner. All these little things added up to a good day for me.

It's not as simple as having a good day but its a good start. And I hope this has maybe reached out to someone who is feeling the same. We aren't alone. It's crap feeling this way. Our brains are silly sometimes.