Looking out the Window

Not often but now and again I get this overwhelming feeling that 'I will not go outside today'. It's not really a side effect of being an introvert. And it's not just a Winter thing. I don't know why I feel this way.

The feeling I get is not something you can shake off. It feels like I can't physically walk out the door.
Sometimes it's cos I feel like I don't look very nice. This factor doesn't bother me a work. I can go there without make-up on daily. It's a necessity for me to go there. But when I'm on a day off I feel tired and unattractive. Not all the time but often.

I know I shouldn't allow myself to care what total strangers would think but it makes me self conscious even thinking about it.

What makes me more anxious is living right in the centre of town. I can't avoid people. As soon as I step outside there is someone round the corner.

The thing about it is, I know I have experienced mild agoraphobia as long as I know I've had depressive tendencies.  They kind of go hand in hand.

As I write this today I am on a day off. I had ideas to go out to the shops. Because I felt too tired and looked it, I felt far too self conscious to even get dressed. So I didn't go outside. I admired the view from my window. This is not to say I wasn't happy. I am perfectly happy not going outside, for one day. The thought of going out was too unappealing.

I often find myself psyching myself up all day just for one little trip to the shop. Or I wait until it gets dark then go. It's a strange feeling of physically not letting yourself just go.

It's not serious, I mean that it has been worse for me. I know when it's serious when I don't want to see my friends or family. When the darkness of night time is my friend. It's fair to say there are different gradients of agoraphobia. There are many reasons why anyone would feel this way. It's recognising when it becomes more than just a problem of popping to the shop.

As I have said about Depression, the best thing to do is talk about it. I write these blogs to hopefully reach out and give a little bit of myself. It's scary talking about these things. I thought I never would. but I hope that you take away something positive. If you Experience it yourself or if you know someone who has done. It's okay. It's all okay.