My Silent Buddy

I can feel those familiar prods of that winter friend of which i dread her visit every year. Some Call her 'Winter Blues', however when you have suffered with depression on and off for years since your teens, it feels comparatively worse. 

One morning in mid November I woke up and felt as if I had just walked into a metaphorical wall. A feeling of self loathing and dread immediately washes over me. Every year it stalks me and every year it I'm unprepared as ever. 

You become a kind of darkness. Getting out of bed is hard and getting yourself out of the house becomes your worst nightmare. I always have a niggling feeling about these things but it never feels as strong as when it just hits you. 

Through the years I have conditioned myself to get through it. The first step is always to let someone know how you are feeling. Letting people you trust allows you a release and it lifts of a bit of the weight. I confide in someone I trust at my workplace. I feel better with people knowing. I never used to let people know. That was my worst habit. 

This year I vowed to do more stuff that would help me, get out on days off and get into the Christmas 'spirit'. Even writing on my blog is a great motivation for me. Letting you into a tiny part of me. I don't have time to do as much stuff as i would like. The nature of my job means i work weekends and sometimes unsociable hours. 

Part of my Winter Blues is the envy for folk who work 9-5 monday to friday and get time off during Christmas. I had to condition myself to try not to let this fact get to me. My job is what it is, and I'm lucky to have a job. 

I know it will come and go throughout Winter and that it will give me bad and good days. I feel more settled than I did a few years ago. And I have so much support from the OH.  He understands needing alone time (the introvert in me).  He makes me laugh everyday and allows me to be myself everyday. And I know I can be a right pain in the bum. But the good times make up 100 times for those moments. 

If you suffer from Winter Blues, you are certainly not alone. Don't let it eat you. Tell someone. Share the burden. It's most likely that they are going through or have been through something similar. Don't let your silent buddy get you down.

Thanks for reading. Lets get December started!